Climbing a Hop-less Mountain

I am about to climb the biggest hill of my entire life...no, I'm not talking about hiking in the Grand Canyon next week when my wife and I are vacationing in Arizona...

I'm talking about giving up drinking beer and liquor. I'm doing it so I can get in shape and lose my damn beer belly once and forever. It's about time.



Sure, I may drink during an occassional social situation, but I am giving up drinking beer and liquor on a frequent basis. That's it. It's finished. Sayonora.

Notice that I didn't say I was giving up red wine. I'm Italian. That would be sacrilege.


I'm going to be one cranky bastard. That's for sure....

AC Baby!

My friend Big Balls Robbie (BBR) and I went down to Atlantic City yesterday morning to partake in some 3-6 limit poker at the Trump Taj Mahal. It was a crazy day and let's just say that by the end of the trip, we weren't talking about poker.

We took a bus ride early yesterday morning down to AC for $8. After waiting for a few minutes for a seat we sat down at the same $3-6 table. The table was chock full of fish, androgynous humans and crazy old men. Early on, I was up $50 or so dollars and was catching some great cards. After awhile though, I started to catch a string of crappy cards and really bad beats from some amateurs who played subpar hands to the river and sucked out winning hands on me.

We got up from the table around 1:30 p.m., went to lunch, and then headed to a blackjack table to play a "$250 Match Play" that BBR got through a promotion through Taj. He's a ridiculous high roller so he gets comps like this all of the time. All he had to do was put up $250 of his own money and the casino would match that. Problem was he had to foot that $250 on a single bet. After thinking it over and not wanting to leave AC down $80, I agreed to give him $50 for the bet. If we won, I would be getting back $150, so it was pretty decent odds. That didn't make it less nerve wracking though.

Even more nerve wracking was the fact that we picked a blackjack table that had just opened up. No one was sitting at the table and the dealer was waiting for people before initially shuffling the cards. We stood at the table for 10 minutes as she shuffled the cards every which way. I was literally shaking in my boots, saying the Our Father, crossing my fingers and toes as my stomach did death defying somersaults only seen performed before by the most malnourished Olympic gymnasts.

And then we got down to playing the only blackjack hand of the day...

The first card the dealer dealt us was an Ace. We let out a big yelp and starting yelling for a blackjack.
The dealer dealt herself a down card. ....
And the dealer dealt us......ANOTHER ACE!
And she dealt herself a dreaded face card.

At that moment, BBR asks me for an additional $50 and I say "no way in hell." His belief is that you always have to split Aces no matter what the dealer is showing face up. Not my belief though. Especially when there's $50 of my own money riding on the hand.

So BBR goes into his wallet and pulls out another $250 to split the Aces. And there's $750 on the friggin table...$500 in chips and $250 in the match play.

The dealer splits our Aces and deals us.....ANOTHER ACE on our first Ace....and a 2 on the initial Ace we split. I haven't played blackjack in such a long time that I actually forgot that when you split Aces you can't split them a third time and you also don't get another card...So, I was confused when the dealer went to play out her hand.

Before I knew it, the dealer plays out her hand and flips over a 3, giving her a 13. She then deals herself a third card and ..... BUSTS with a 23! We were screaming at the table and attracted quite a crowd when the dealer paid us out $750. $150 for me and $600 for BBR.

The next thing I know, the crowd of people lift me and BBR off the floor and start chanting our names. I felt like Rocky Balboa after he knocked out Drago in Rocky IV...

Subway Series Part II

Here we are at the 2007 Subway Series, Part II. Last time that the Yankees and Mets met this year, the Mets were flying high and the Yankees were not...to say the least. Now it's the complete opposite as the Yankees are on a 9 game winning streak and have won 12 out of their last 15 games while cutting the Red Sox's once insumountable 14 1/2 game lead down to 7 1/2 games in a little over a week.

Yes, I know I was silent for most of May about the Yankees. But now I'm back to being your very own Obnoxious Neighborhood Yankee Fan.

Oh the Rockets Red Glare....

Hostel Part II...Glug...Glug...Glug...(in someone else's blood)

Wow, I will never see an Eli Roth movie again...

Last night, Smelmooo and I went to see Hostel Part II and let's just say that I'm lucky that we didn't eat dinner before we saw the movie. The movie was only 1 1/2 hours long and even that was too much too endure...There weren't entirely not enough boobs and when boobs were shown they were usually covered by lots of blood...and I'm not talking about the boobshowers blood. I'm talking about the bloodshower takeing a dripping wet bath in someone else's blood. Yes, it made Smelmooo look away. I unfortunately did not.

If you've seen the first Hostel, you pretty much know what to expect from Hostel Part II. I just didn't expect to see so much of it. The movie had little to no plot, other than the retread of Hostel 1: American kids on a Eurotrip get tricked into going to the tortuous Hostel. American kids get tortured and killed by rich men with a sick fascination for spending loads of money on killing people.

It's was a gutwretching, mindpuking showing to say the least.

The Worst Ending Ever of One of the Best TV Shows Ever

I am so utterly and completely pissed off and disappointed by the Series Finale of the Sopranos. Despite many of the episodes during this season being completely subpar, I put up with The Sopranos this year because it used to be one of my favorite shows of all time. After the next to last episode completely blew me out of the water, I just couldn't wait to find out what happened to Tony Soprano in te final episode. Well, the final episode came and went and the best thing that came out of it is at least my TV isn't broken.

During the last scene of the show, Tony is meeting his family for dinner at a restaurant and every time the door opens he thinks that it's going to be someone who murders him. One by one, his wife, his son and his daughter come in and every time each enters the restaurant Tony looks up with fear in his eyes expecting to get whacked. Intertwined in the entrances of each family member, random people come into the restaurant and you're left wondering if one of these people will pop Tony. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. And then Sopranos creator David Chase did something unforgivable....he gave me a ending that was so open ended that I thought my TV actually broke.

Right as Meadow Soprano was about to enter the restaurant, Tony looks up again to see who is coming through the door and the SCREEN GOES BLACK.

Let me repeat that....IT GOES BLACK!!

For a second, I thought that my TV died. Then I thought I was about to get a message from the emergency broadcast network that Dick Cheney shot President Bush. Then after rewinding the show, I screamed out loud when I realized what had happened. David Chase had no idea how to end the show, so he wanted to leave the viewer to decide how to end it. So he made the SCREEN GO BLACK! Now I'm left wondering....did the FBI walk through the door? Did Tony get popped? Did Meadow walk through the door - with her top off? Did a deli man deliver 1 lb of cappacola?

Jesus. What dumb stugots came up with this non-ending?

I've talked to a few people about it already and apparently there are two camps of people: 1) Those who agree with me; 2) Those who think it was the most awesome ending ever. For those people in Camp 2, I say screw you. I want a damn ending! I invested hours of my life watching this damn show and I want the creative people behind it to give me some type of ending. ANY ending! I don't have to like the ending. All I want is not to have to wonder if "my cable just went out.

For anyone who knows me, you know I'm a huge Stephen King fan. I loved King's opus, the 7 volume Dark Tower series. The series is thousands of pages long and I eagerly anticipated the ending of it. As I approached the final few pages, I was at the edge of my seat - much like I was last night. And King pulled nearly the same thing that Chase did last night when he wrote the ending of the Dark Tower.

In the final pages of the book, King's hero Roland of Gilead reaches the end of his quest at the top of the Dark Tower. He opens the door he has dreamed of since the beginning of his quest. Behind the door is the same desert that Roland trekked through at the beginning of his quest. The story literally goes full circle and reinforces King's premise in many of his books that Hell is Repetition and Goes in a Circle. I thought that was the perfect ending.

I'll never think that about the ending of Sopranos. I hate you David Chase.

A Steaming Pile of...

....Carl Pavano

Two days ago, Pavano underwent "Tommy John" surgery to repair the collateral ligament in his right elbow. He'll be out for the next 12 to 18 months, effectively ending his subpar Yankees career. This injury is the latest in a long, long list of injuries that Pavano had during his short Yankees career.

From June 27, 2005 to throughout the entire 2006 season, Pavano was on the DL with shoulder, back, elbow, rib and buttock injuries - no doubt due to the buttplug that is cemented permanently in his butt.

I must admit that when Pavano signed with his 4 year, $39.95 million contract I was excited. He was a great pitcher with the Florida Marlins. He was young. He was the future star starting pitcher. And I wasn't alone in these assumptions. ...Numerous teams, including the hated dirtbag empire Boston Red Sox, were trying to sign him as well. But the Yankees won the bidding war for Pavano's services. ...And I thought that Pavano would be a fixture at the top of the Yankees Starting Rotation for years to come. That was the wrong assumption. ...

As all that Pavano's $40 million contract would bring them would be a record of 5-6 in 19 starts with the Yankees. And it's all guaranteed despite his injuries and lack of production. That's hideous.

Good riddance Carl Pavano! Thanks for stealing the Yankees money.

Mindfreak!!

My wife and I started watching Criss Angel's Mindfreak about a week ago and it's quickly become our favorite show on TV. During the show, magician Criss Angel does a number of freaky tricks. Some might call it magic, but most of the stunts that he does are completely suicidal...from cutting his body in half without a box, levitating in the air, burning himself alive, burying himself alive. He does the things that other magicians wouldn't even think of doing. He does the things that many sane people would consider to be insane. And my wife and I have no idea whatsoever how he does any of it.

Last night was the Season 3 premiere and Criss Angel topped himself again by levitating from the top of the Luxor Pyramid in Vegas. In the past, my wife and I thought that when he was levitating from certain indoor objects that he had a secret invisible wire that he hung from. We can't explain what he did last night though. The stunt was just ridiculous!

My wife is convinced that he is Jesus. I am convinced that he is a wizard or warlock.

I Have Old, Wrinkly Balls

Seven years ago today, my college years officially ended and I began my first job as an assistant account executive at a small public relations firm in McLean, VA. Man, am I old or what?

Bore Me

Bore Me….

These movies bored me so much that I'm not even going to take the time to find the photos that accompany them. Sorry dude.

Blood Diamond – I fell asleep five times watching this movie. Maybe 10 times. Nuff said? Okay, it has a decent storyline and some crazy bloody scenes. But I couldn’t take Leo DiCaprio’s accent and Jennifer Connelly didn’t get naked. At least, I don’t think she did…I might have slept through that part. Overall, the movie was definitely, definitely an Oscar worthy movie, but Oscar worthy movies suck.

Children of Men – Just a weird, weird movie. I’m usually a big fan of the end of the world type sagas, but I wasn’t a big fan of this movie. Right now, I'm reading Stephen King's The Stand for the second time, the penultimate end of the world book. This movie has some aspects of that book, but overall I wasn't impressed by Children of Men. The movie involves a world in the near future that is completely infertile. No woman has had a child in the last 18 years. People live in fear, etc. etc. I would share more, but I don’t feel like typing out all of the specifics. The movie just didn’t make a big impact on me. …It bored me.

Legends of the Fall - Before Brad Pitt was the sexiest man of 1994, he starred in Legends of the Suck...i mean Fall. Nuff said....?